To Bond With Your Kid, Tsabary Says to Stop Trying to Control Them

"It's only 10 percent what the child is doing and 90 percent what the parent is doing."

By Quilloo Team4 min readOctober 12, 2026

A woman with curly hair wearing a green sweater sits on a teal couch, listening attentively and gesturing with her hands while a young boy in a striped shirt reads to her from a white book. The background features a bookshelf and framed botanical art.

All Milestones Big Feelings & Fears Learning & Play Connection & Trust Boundaries & Discipline Parent Wellbeing Sleep & Bedtime Parenting Approaches

A digital illustration in a calm, flat vector art style shows a mother and her young daughter sitting closely on a teal-colored sofa in a living room. The mother, with dark hair tied back and wearing a cream-colored sweater, has her arm around her daughter and is gently stroking her head, looking at her with a warm, comforting expression. The daughter, with medium-length brown hair and wearing a mustard-yellow knit sweater, is looking down with a thoughtful, slightly sad look on her face, holding a small brown teddy bear in her lap. The background is a muted wall with a bookshelf on the left containing various books and a potted plant, and two framed botanical prints above the sofa. On the right side, there's a stack of two books on a wooden side table. The overall lighting is soft and even, creating a peaceful, supportive atmosphere. The color palette is composed of warm earth tones, muted greens, and teal.

time-outs

Time-Outs vs. Time-Ins: What Gordon Neufeld Says About Discipline That Keeps Kids Close

Time-outs are popular, but Gordon Neufeld asks what they cost a child's sense of closeness. Here is his reasoning, where experts differ, and a four-step time-in that keeps the limit and the connection.

5 min read · October 11, 2026

An illustrative digital drawing, executed in the soft, textured vector art style and warm, muted color palette (peach, teal, brown) of image_5.png, depicting a mother connecting with her absorbed child before an instruction. A Caucasian mother, with wavy brown hair and a peach knit sweater, is crouched down on a light wooden floor, making gentle eye contact with her four-year-old son. The son, who has tousled brown curly hair like the boy in image_5.png and wears a light green striped t-shirt, is seated cross-legged on a rug, deeply engrossed in lining up a set of stylized, colorful wooden dinosaur toys. The mother is smiling warmly and her hands are resting gently near his on the rug, inviting his attention before a transition. The background is a simplified, cozy living room corner with a few children's books on a shelf and a toy basket, maintaining the uncluttered feel of image_5.png. A pair of small children's shoes is visible by a doorway in the distance, hinting at the upcoming routine. No text is present.

collect before you direct

“The kid who wants you to stay a little longer at bedtime isn’t behind schedule. That’s exactly how independence gets built.”

Dr. Gordon Neufeld · Attachment Research

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An illustration in a cozy, sunlit living room shows a father kneeling on a patterned rug, facing his young daughter who is standing with her arms crossed and a stubborn expression. The father, with short dark curly hair, a beard, and a green knit sweater, has his hands open in a welcoming, gentle gesture as he looks at her calmly. The little girl, with short dark hair in pigtails and a mustard-yellow dress, stands with a firm, resistant posture. In the background, a white wall features a framed botanical print and a hanging macramé plant holder with a succulent, while a small side table holds a potted plant on the right. Soft natural light streams in from a window on the left, creating a warm and comforting atmosphere. The illustration style is flat, modern, and cozy.

counterwill

Counterwill: Why Kids Say No (and What Gordon Neufeld Suggests You Do)

Your child says no to the very thing she wanted a second ago. Gordon Neufeld calls it counterwill, an automatic resistance to feeling forced, and four small shifts can ease the daily standoffs.

October 6, 2026

"An illustrative digital drawing in a flat, textured style and warm, muted color palette of teal, orange, and brown, depicting a six-year-old girl with a backpack looking over her shoulder at three other diverse school children who are whispering together. In the foreground, the girl is holding hands with her smiling mother, who offers a reassuring presence. The scene takes place on a sidewalk in front of a stylized school building entrance. No text is present.

peer orientation

Peer Orientation in Kids: What Gordon Neufeld Means and How to Keep Your Child Anchored at Home

Children are wired to follow someone's lead. Gordon Neufeld's idea of peer orientation explains why that someone should still be you, and offers three simple ways to stay your child's first call.

October 5, 2026

An illustrated interior scene of a cozy living room in a warm, muted color palette. A father with curly dark hair and a beard sits cross-legged on a patterned rug, looking lovingly and smiling at his young son. The son is sitting nearby on the floor, holding and putting on his shoes, looking up at his father with a happy expression. The background features a sofa table with a framed family photo, a potted plant, a bookshelf filled with books, and a window letting in soft light. The style is a flat vector illustration

Shefali Tsabary research

The Power Struggle Was Never Really About the Shoes

"It's only 10 percent what the child is doing and 90 percent what the parent is doing."

October 4, 2026

An illustrated scene in a soft, textured children's book style, depicting a quiet conflict resolution. A mother, with dark hair in a bun and wearing a green patterned dress, kneels on a patterned rug, her hands extended in an empathetic gesture toward her young daughter. The daughter, with arms crossed and a pouting, scowling expression, stands facing her mother. To the right, a baby sits happily in a highchair, playing with a teething ring, seemingly unaware of the older child's distress. In the background, there is a wooden bookshelf filled with books, potted plants, and a window with soft, natural light. The wallpaper has a delicate floral pattern. The overall mood is gentle but captures the tension between the mother and the upset daughter.

why kids misbehave

Kids Act on What They Believe, Not What's True: Jane Nelsen on the Hidden Stories Behind Behavior

Your child isn't reacting to what happened. They're reacting to what they believe it means. Jane Nelsen explains why that changes everything.

October 3, 2026

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To Bond With Your Kid, Tsabary Says to Stop Trying to Control Them

Time-Outs vs. Time-Ins: What Gordon Neufeld Says About Discipline That Keeps Kids Close

Collect Before You Direct: Gordon Neufeld's Simple Way to Help Kids Listen

The Attachment Instinct: Why Your Child's Need for Closeness Is a Strength

The Caring Alpha: Why Kids Feel Safer When Parents Lead With Warmth