To Bond With Your Kid, Tsabary Says to Stop Trying to Control Them

A simple request turns into a standoff, shoes, homework, screen time, doesn't matter which one, and both of you dig in. Afterward it's tempting to think the fix is a firmer voice or a clearer consequence next time. Dr. Shefali Tsabary's advice runs in the opposite direction entirely.

The idea, in her own words

In an interview about her book The Parenting Map, Tsabary put a number on something most parents assume works the other way around: "it's only 10 percent what the child is doing and 90 percent what the parent is doing." Her core argument is that stepping back from trying to control a child's behavior, and instead examining a parent's own reactions to that behavior, is what actually builds a stronger bond, even though it sounds backwards to anyone raised on the idea that good parenting means staying firmly in charge.

Why "taking charge" and "controlling" aren't the same thing

Tsabary isn't arguing for permissiveness here. Her point is more specific: parents often default to micromanaging a child's behavior directly, repeating requests, escalating consequences, trying to force compliance, while never examining their own reaction to what's happening. She describes this default as parents "expecting the child to change" while "never looking at ourselves," a pattern she says keeps the same power struggles running on repeat.

Why power struggles happen in the first place

According to Tsabary, a lot of parent-child conflict isn't really about the specific issue on the table. It's parents "fighting to be right rather than trying to connect with or understand" their child. The shoes or the homework becomes a proxy battle for something else, usually a parent's own need to feel in control of the situation, rather than a genuine disagreement that needs resolving on its own terms.

The reframe she recommends instead

Rather than a power dynamic, Tsabary recommends approaching the parent-child relationship as what she calls a "mutual, reciprocal partnership." This doesn't mean treating a young child as an equal decision-maker on every front. It means shifting away from a control-based model, where the parent's job is to enforce compliance, toward a connection-based one, where understanding what's actually driving a child's resistance comes before trying to override it.

Why she says this doesn't come naturally to anyone

Tsabary is candid that this shift isn't intuitive or easy. "No one is born a conscious parent," she's said. "It's so easy to yell at your kids. It's very difficult to be patient, regulated, and aware." This matters because it reframes the goal: not achieving some effortless, permanently calm parenting style, but noticing, repeatedly, when control has crept back in as the default response, and choosing something else in that moment instead.

A line worth sitting with

Tsabary has also framed this in terms of humility: "Your children are here to live their lives, not yours." The instinct to control often comes from a genuine, well-intentioned place, wanting to protect a child, wanting things to go smoothly, wanting to avoid mistakes. But according to Tsabary, that instinct can just as easily become about a parent's own comfort and certainty as it is about the child's actual wellbeing.

What this looks like at home tonight

Next time a request turns into a standoff, pause before escalating and ask yourself: am I trying to understand what's driving this resistance, or am I just trying to win. You don't need to abandon the original request. Just noticing which mode you're in, control or understanding, tends to change the tone of what happens next, even before you've figured out the "right" response.

A quick, honest note: this framework comes from Tsabary's clinical and published work rather than a formal, peer-reviewed academic study, and it's offered here as a perspective worth considering, not a clinically validated approach with controlled outcome research behind it.

Frequently Asked Questions

Does relinquishing control mean giving in to whatever my child wants? No, Tsabary frames this as shifting from a control-based dynamic to a connection-based one, not as removing boundaries or abandoning parental guidance entirely.

Why does Tsabary say most conflict is about the parent, not the child? Her framing is that power struggles often reflect a parent's own need to feel in control, rather than the specific issue at hand, which is why addressing the parent's reaction tends to resolve conflict more effectively than escalating consequences.

Is it realistic to stay calm and regulated all the time using this approach? No, Tsabary explicitly says this doesn't come naturally to anyone and requires ongoing practice, not a permanent, effortless state.

How does this connect to Tsabary's idea of "mutual, reciprocal partnership"? It reframes the parent-child relationship away from one-directional control toward mutual understanding, without treating a child as an equal authority on every decision.

Sources:

• Tsabary, S. (2023). The Parenting Map: Step-by-Step Solutions to Consciously Create the Ultimate Parent-Child Relationship.
• Want to create a stronger bond with your kids? First relinquish control, NPR interview with Dr. Shefali Tsabary. Link.