Counterwill: Why Kids Say No (and What Gordon Neufeld Suggests You Do)

Why Kids Say No (and What Gordon Neufeld Suggests You Do)

You offer your four-year-old ice cream, and she says no. You shrug and say, "Okay, no ice cream then." Suddenly she is in tears because she really, truly wanted ice cream. If this sounds familiar, you have met counterwill, and psychologist Gordon Neufeld has a way of explaining it that many parents find a relief.

The idea, in one sentence

Counterwill is a child's instinctive, automatic resistance to feeling forced, and understanding it can turn many daily standoffs into moments you can handle with a lot more ease.

What counterwill actually is

The term was first used by Austrian psychoanalyst Otto Rank (1884 to 1939) and later adapted by Gordon Neufeld to describe our instinctive, defensive resistance to feeling forced. In Hold On to Your Kids (2004), written with physician Gabor Maté, Neufeld describes counterwill as an automatic reaction to any sense of being pushed, whether the push is a command, a bribe, or pressure of any kind.

The key word is automatic. A child with counterwill is not scheming or choosing to be difficult. The "no" rises up before any thinking happens, much like pulling a hand back from a hot stove. That explains why a child can refuse something she wanted a second ago: the moment it felt like a requirement, the instinct kicked in. It also explains the ice cream: once the offer felt like a decision being made for her, the "no" was out before she knew it.

Counterwill is not only a childhood phenomenon. Adults feel it too, in that small internal bristle when someone tells them what to do, even when it is something they would have done anyway.

Why it exists

Neufeld presents counterwill as a helpful part of growing up, not a flaw. The Neufeld Institute describes two developmental functions: to serve attachment and to forward psychological growth. On the growth side, counterwill protects a child's emerging sense of self. The book offers an image many parents remember: counterwill is like the little fence placed around a newly planted lawn, protecting tender growth until it is strong enough to stand on its own.

Seen this way, a child's "no!" is also evidence that something healthy is happening. A will of her own is forming, and it is practicing the boundary between "me" and "you." Many parents notice counterwill becoming most visible in toddlerhood, when independence first bursts into view.

What tends to make it louder

According to Neufeld and Maté, ordering children around provokes counterwill, and so does bribing them with rewards. Both are forms of pushing, one with a stick and the other with a carrot, and the instinct responds to the push itself. Neufeld's discussion of counterwill also notes that it can be a puzzling and difficult dynamic when the adults around a child misunderstand it, or when it becomes intense and stuck.

Where the idea comes from

Rank's writing on will gave the concept its name, and Neufeld, a Vancouver-based clinical psychologist with more than forty years of practice, adapted it into his developmental model of attachment. His course Making Sense of Counterwill at the Neufeld Institute is devoted to it.

One honest note: Rank's concept is a historical psychoanalytic idea, and Neufeld's version is a clinical framework developed through practice, so it is best read as a practical lens rather than a laboratory finding.

Four ways to ease the push

The thread running through Neufeld's advice is simple: reduce the feeling of being forced, and work with the relationship instead of against the "no."

Turn orders into invitations. Instead of "Put your coat on now," try describing what you are doing and inviting your child into it: "I'm heading to the car, and your coat is here when you're ready."

Let a "no" land without a fight. When the "no" shows up, resist the urge to push back harder. A calm "I hear you" and a short pause often take much of the charge out of the moment.

Reconnect, then return to the plan. A warm moment together, a smile, a quick snuggle, makes it easier for a child to come back around. The expectation can still stand when the moment has softened.

Skip the bribes. Since rewards also feel like a push, shifting from "If you do this, you get that" to simple, friendly expectations may feel quieter in the long run.

None of this means giving up on limits. It means choosing the version of the limit that does not trigger the instinct.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is counterwill in children?

Counterwill is a child's instinctive, automatic resistance to feeling forced or controlled. The term was first used by psychoanalyst Otto Rank and popularized for parents by Gordon Neufeld.

Is counterwill the same as defiance or being stubborn?

In Neufeld's view, counterwill is an instinct, not a choice. A child pushing back is reacting to the feeling of being pushed, not scheming to be difficult, which is why meeting it with calm often works better than meeting it with force.

At what age does counterwill start?

Many parents notice it first in toddlerhood, though Neufeld describes it as a feature of human development at any age, including adults.

Why does my child refuse things she actually wants?

Once something starts to feel like an obligation or a decision made for her, the instinct can rise up automatically, even against something she wanted a moment earlier.

Are rewards and sticker charts a good way around counterwill?

According to Neufeld and Maté, bribing children with rewards can provoke counterwill just as commanding does, since both create a sense of being pushed.

Sources

• Neufeld, G. & Maté, G. (2004). Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. Knopf Canada. Publisher page.
• Neufeld Institute. "Next on our study group agenda: Counterwill" (editorial, 2011). Link.
• Neufeld Institute. Gordon Neufeld biography and overview of his work. Link.
• Counterwill, overview and references (includes Amundson, J. (1981). "Will in the Psychology of Otto Rank," Journal of Transpersonal Psychology 13(2): 113). Link.