You Can Say No and Still Say "I Get It": The Two Things Are True Approach

It's 5:30 p.m. at the playground, the sun is going down, and your three-year-old has just learned that it's time to leave. She collapses onto the wood chips like a tragic opera singer. You have two options that both feel wrong: give in and stay another twenty minutes, or insist she stop crying because "we come here all the time."

Dr. Becky Kennedy says you don't have to choose.

The idea, in one sentence

You can hold your decision and fully accept your child's feelings about it at the same time, because two things can be true at once.

"Two Things Are True" is the title of Chapter 2 of Kennedy's Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be (Harper Wave, 2022), and many readers consider it the heart of her approach. Kennedy, a clinical psychologist trained at Teachers College, Columbia University, calls the underlying skill multiplicity: the ability to accept more than one reality without having to cancel either one out. Her book is a clinical guide, not a research study.

The "one thing is true" trap

Most parent-child standoffs happen because each side is trying to prove there's only one truth.

The child's truth: leaving the park is terrible and unfair. The parent's truth: it's time to go, and crying about it is an overreaction. Each person tries to convince the other. The parent explains, justifies, and eventually says something like "You're fine, stop crying." The child cries harder, because now she's not only sad, she's also unheard.

Kennedy describes this as getting stuck in convincing mode. When only one thing can be true, someone has to be wrong. And a three-year-old will fight very, very hard not to be the wrong one.

Understanding, not convincing

Kennedy frames the whole idea as a choice between two modes. In convincing mode, the goal is to be right, which means making the other person wrong. In understanding mode, the goal is to learn what the other person is experiencing, without having to agree with it. She argues that feeling unseen, not the actual disagreement, is what makes people combative.

She backs this with relationship research. She points to the Gottman Method, whose approach to marriage rests partly on accepting that two perspectives can both be valid. She also cites clinical psychologist Faye Doell, whose 2003 study found that people who listen in order to understand, rather than to respond, report higher relationship satisfaction. Kennedy's point is that kids are no different. A child who feels understood can handle a no far better than a child who feels argued with.

How "two things" dissolves the fight

When you name both truths, there's nothing left to argue about. "We're leaving the park now. And you really, really don't want to go. That makes sense. It's the best park."

Kennedy's own version of this script, for a movie a child isn't allowed to watch, is disarmingly simple: you've decided they can't watch it, and they're allowed to be really mad about that. Notice what happened in both cases. The decision didn't budge. Nobody got bribed with a snack. But the child's feeling got named as real and reasonable. She doesn't have to scream louder to make you understand, because you already said you understand.

This works for parents too. Kennedy points out that you can be a good parent and still yell sometimes. You can love your kids and still desperately want an hour alone. Holding both keeps you out of the shame spiral that makes change so much harder.

How it sounds at different ages

With a toddler, keep it short and physical. "Bath now. And you want to keep playing. So hard." Then scoop them up. A two-year-old doesn't need a paragraph, just a sign that you noticed.

With a preschooler, you can add a little more detail, and even some playfulness. "We're leaving, and you wish we could live at this park forever. Should we wave goodbye to the slide?"

With a six- or seven-year-old, two things can become a real conversation. "I said no sleepover this weekend, and you think that's unfair. You might be right that it feels unfair. It's still a no." Older kids often push harder, because they're testing whether you'll hold both truths or collapse into one. The steadier you stay, the less they need to test.

Kennedy also describes how this ends power struggles. A fight over wearing a jacket feels like me against you. Once the parent names both sides ("I'm worried you'll be cold, and you feel sure your body will be fine"), it becomes you and me against a problem. Sometimes the child even offers a solution, like carrying the jacket and putting it on if they get cold.

The same skill helps between adults too. Two parents can disagree about a rule and still respect each other's reasons. Kids learn a lot from watching that happen.

The words that make it work

One small language habit helps enormously: swap "but" for "and."

"I know you're sad, but we have to go" quietly erases the first half. The child hears only the second part. "You're sad, and we have to go" keeps both halves standing. It's a tiny grammatical change with an outsized effect.

Try the "and" swap tonight

Pick one predictable moment of disappointment this evening, like screen time ending, bath starting, or the last cookie being gone, and try this.

1. State your decision first, calmly. "iPad time is done for today."

2. Add "and," then name their feeling. "And you wish it could keep going. You were right in the middle of something."

3. Don't add a "but." Resist the urge to explain why the rule is fair. Let both truths sit there.

4. Stay close while the feeling passes. The tears may still come. That's fine. You're not trying to stop the feeling, only to stay steady beside it.

Frequently Asked Questions

What does "two things are true" mean in parenting? It's Dr. Becky Kennedy's principle that a parent's decision and a child's feelings about it can both be valid. You hold the limit and acknowledge the feeling without canceling either one.

How do I validate feelings without giving in? Name the feeling and the limit together, using "and" instead of "but." For example: "We're leaving now, and you really wish we could stay."

Why does my child get more upset when I explain the rule? Explaining can feel to a child like being told their feeling is wrong. Acknowledging the feeling first often calms things faster than any justification.

Sources

• Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be (Harper Wave, 2022), Chapter 2 "Two Things Are True," pp. 13-20 and following. Book, clinical framework. Author's summary
• Faye K. Doell, "Partners' Listening Styles and Relationship Satisfaction: Listening to Understand vs. Listening to Respond," MA thesis, York University, Toronto, 2003 (cited by Kennedy in Chapter 2). No free public link found.